How did this happen?

Today I want to address something that has been on my mind... and stuck to my forehead, and poking me in the eye; in other words, my bangs. Bangs have been an interesting fashion development over the last seven or so years, and although they have been around since the pyramids (according to the Charleton Heston version of the Ten Commandments), the latest emergence of facial fringe has brought together past and future styles of bangs in an unprecedented display of follicular creativity. You all know what I'm talking about:

1. "Extreme Swoop" makes you legally blind in at least one eye, but very dramatic
2. "Black Ops Bangs" are grown so long and straight over the forehead that the eyelashes actually have to lift hair as the eyelid opens. Meant to camouflage the wearer in urban surroundings.
3. "Cold War Bangs" are worn short and bluntly straight, accompanied by arrestingly straight sides. Strikes fear into the heart of any opponent or fellow commuter.
4. "Uncommitted Bangs" I think those are supposed to be bangs aren't they? Does that person even KNOW they have bangs? who can tell.
5. "Feather Bangs" unusual hybrid of the late seventies and early eighties. Often accompanied by a mullet or hairspray wings. Have been observed to have mind controlling powers in that once you wear them, you can't seem to let go.
6. "The Tube" We all had it, some still do. You know, it's perfectly curled and sprayed so as to resemble a section of Slinky taped to one's forehead.
7. "Shag Bangs" Imagine Garth from Wayne's World.
8. "The Pyramid" This is a structural anomalie in which the wearer has expertly swept a section of bangs back and secured it with an arsenal of bobby pins, creating a dome so indestructable modern science is still trying to replicate it. This structure often gives rise to:
9. "The Alfalfa" an excapee of bangs intended to be swept back sticks straight up in the air and refuses to lay neither forward nor back.

The style I am currently sporting, and what led to this literary overture on bangs, is what I affectionately call the scarecrow look. It is characterized by scraggely bits of hair in so many varying shades of blond and brown and so many different lengths that it literally looks like I picked up pieces of straw off the ground and taped them to my forehead. Everywhere I go if someone's eyes stray to my forehead region I want to yell "I know! Scarecrow bangs right?" because I do know how unfortunate they are. It's not my fault! They sort of evolved over time and there is nothing I can do, short of setting my hair on fire, until July 3rd at which time I hope to pay a professional to get this thing under control. In the meantime can I borrow a weedwacker from someone?

Imposter M&M

I don't want to fill my blog with negativity, but indulge me for a second while I get something off my chest. I hate when peanut M&Ms masquerade as almond M&Ms. They parade around in the almond bag showing off identical flashy colors and sporting the same basic shape as their almond counterparts, but inside they're just a peanut! I know, I know, it's a nut surrounded by chocolate right, why does it matter? But there is something about the way the almond cracks into fractal shards when you bite into it that makes it fun to crunch. The peanut simply doesn't measure up. (I extend my apologies to any solid peanut fans, but it's the truth.) When I bite into an almond M&M I expect to get an almond M&M and not a peanut in almond clothing. Tune in next time when I address the injustice of Coolaid that looks just like water...